Emotional review and some advice

I am pretty sure I am under control now, so this is more a review.Better living through chemicals and all that... A review of how I really felt in the last month. I mentioned some feelings in a previous post. Lets list the feelings first, then perhaps I can evaluate them and finish letting them go.

• Resentment: I resented myself for looking at her face and seeing an imperfect child. I resented her for taking away from my time with Aileen and Tom. I resented God for giving me these problems to deal with.
• Frustration: With Vanessa and myself during feeding times the first 3 weeks. With Dr's for not making things easier. My husband for not being able to feed her or sooth her at first, which was not remotely his fault. With insurance for to much frigging paperwork....
• Anger: At EVERYTHING. I mean everything... The world, the medical field, the folks who make the anti depressants, myself, my husband, both my daughters, at friends for not having these problems, at the computer for being slow, the TV for not having the program i want to watch. Most especially though, angry because I felt anger.
• Sadness: Rather self explanatory. I cryed a couple times a day. This is somewhat normal right after giving birth due to serious hormone fluctuations. I cryed because my older daughter wanted to play but I was to busy taking care of Vanessa. I cryed when I did play with Aileen because I felt like a bad mom for not spending more time with her. I cryed because I couldn't take a bubble bath until my belly healed. I was a water fountain someone forgot to turn off.
• Joy: ah, yes, a positive emotion. I was thrilled that my body was mine again. Even with all the emotions listed above, I felt joy when I looked at my little girl most of the time. Especially when she was asleep, because a sleeping baby is a content baby, a happy baby, a baby with a decent mommy.

Vanessa had a very hard time eating at first. It was intense during feeding times because she would start screaming if she didn't get food right away, or if she got frustrated with the bottle. That seems to be fixed now with the special bottle, thank God. Nothing like an ear piercing scream to make a mommy feel terrible. And she would get so into the scream that she couldn't stop. We also thought she might be a colic baby at some point, but that seems to have stopped as well.

Lack of cuddle time with Husband and older daughter also had a major effect on my emotional state. Now that Vanessa is settling down and kind of getting a routine cuddle times and play times happen more with the rest of the family. It is very hard to adjust to having another child in the home. Aileen definitely gets jealous, but her over all attitude is curiosity and a want to help with "her baby."

Some words of advice: Every day, take time for yourself. Take a shower everyday, a real shower, not a 3 minute speed clean. Every day, cuddle with a family member other than the newborn for at least 10 minutes. Talk to someone about all your feelings, good and bad. Let other people help you, house chores, food, laundry, rocking and soothing baby... You are not wonder woman, nor do you have to try to be wonder woman.

Last but not least, your husband wants to help, Daddies feel rather useless when you first bring home baby. Many women do not think to ask their husbands for help, but the husband should be their primary supporter. Tell him what you need, give him something to do and tell him regularly how much you appreciate him. Daddy's get depressed too when the little one comes home, for many reasons.

Tom handles the cooking, the laundry, and he preps my coffee in the coffee maker every day. He also does most of the care of Aileen. Truely an awesome husband! Now that Vanessa is settling down, he is starting to handle her more and give me more breaks. Which in turn means I will be able to start taking a more active role in the household again.