Constipation too???

Poor kid, as if she doesn't have enough problems eating. She gets gas badly because she tends to gulp air. She is also on formula Instead of Breast milk. Well, we switched to the formula that is supposed to be better for fussiness and gas. It doesn't seem to be doing her much good. She is quite likely the gassiest baby I have ever heard.

Now, she has not had a bowel movement in 2 and a half days. She is obviously uncomfortable. She is exceedingly gassy. Her tummy is not tight, but she is definitely not a happy camper. So, tomorrow, if she still has not poo'd.... We call the Dr.

Ah, the joys of life.

Go Daddy Go!

I am so happy for my husband. When we first brought Vanessa home, I was the only one who could feed her. Even then at first it was a struggle. We planned it that way, after a fashion. while she was in the NICU we only had the nurses work with me to teach her to eat, this way one of us was good to go and could teach the other later.

The plan worked, a bit to well. It was incredibly hard for Tom to watch me struggle through feedings, the screaming baby, and the exhaustion. I wanted so much to play with Aileen, but all my energy had to go into Vanessa. I was beat, battered, tired, and so frustrated I cried.. alot.

But for about the last 4 days, Tom has been able to feed Vanessa, sooth her, cuddle her, and rock her to sleep. Even during her peak fussy times in the evening, he has been able to handle her. It makes me so happy! Not just because it gives me a break, but also because it makes him feel better. He is sooo happy he can help, and that his daughter is responding to him in a good way.

Horay for daddy!!!

Emotional review and some advice

I am pretty sure I am under control now, so this is more a review.Better living through chemicals and all that... A review of how I really felt in the last month. I mentioned some feelings in a previous post. Lets list the feelings first, then perhaps I can evaluate them and finish letting them go.

• Resentment: I resented myself for looking at her face and seeing an imperfect child. I resented her for taking away from my time with Aileen and Tom. I resented God for giving me these problems to deal with.
• Frustration: With Vanessa and myself during feeding times the first 3 weeks. With Dr's for not making things easier. My husband for not being able to feed her or sooth her at first, which was not remotely his fault. With insurance for to much frigging paperwork....
• Anger: At EVERYTHING. I mean everything... The world, the medical field, the folks who make the anti depressants, myself, my husband, both my daughters, at friends for not having these problems, at the computer for being slow, the TV for not having the program i want to watch. Most especially though, angry because I felt anger.
• Sadness: Rather self explanatory. I cryed a couple times a day. This is somewhat normal right after giving birth due to serious hormone fluctuations. I cryed because my older daughter wanted to play but I was to busy taking care of Vanessa. I cryed when I did play with Aileen because I felt like a bad mom for not spending more time with her. I cryed because I couldn't take a bubble bath until my belly healed. I was a water fountain someone forgot to turn off.
• Joy: ah, yes, a positive emotion. I was thrilled that my body was mine again. Even with all the emotions listed above, I felt joy when I looked at my little girl most of the time. Especially when she was asleep, because a sleeping baby is a content baby, a happy baby, a baby with a decent mommy.

Vanessa had a very hard time eating at first. It was intense during feeding times because she would start screaming if she didn't get food right away, or if she got frustrated with the bottle. That seems to be fixed now with the special bottle, thank God. Nothing like an ear piercing scream to make a mommy feel terrible. And she would get so into the scream that she couldn't stop. We also thought she might be a colic baby at some point, but that seems to have stopped as well.

Lack of cuddle time with Husband and older daughter also had a major effect on my emotional state. Now that Vanessa is settling down and kind of getting a routine cuddle times and play times happen more with the rest of the family. It is very hard to adjust to having another child in the home. Aileen definitely gets jealous, but her over all attitude is curiosity and a want to help with "her baby."

Some words of advice: Every day, take time for yourself. Take a shower everyday, a real shower, not a 3 minute speed clean. Every day, cuddle with a family member other than the newborn for at least 10 minutes. Talk to someone about all your feelings, good and bad. Let other people help you, house chores, food, laundry, rocking and soothing baby... You are not wonder woman, nor do you have to try to be wonder woman.

Last but not least, your husband wants to help, Daddies feel rather useless when you first bring home baby. Many women do not think to ask their husbands for help, but the husband should be their primary supporter. Tell him what you need, give him something to do and tell him regularly how much you appreciate him. Daddy's get depressed too when the little one comes home, for many reasons.

Tom handles the cooking, the laundry, and he preps my coffee in the coffee maker every day. He also does most of the care of Aileen. Truely an awesome husband! Now that Vanessa is settling down, he is starting to handle her more and give me more breaks. Which in turn means I will be able to start taking a more active role in the household again.

A special bottle for a special baby

As I am sure you can imagine, it can be very tough for a baby to eat when the roof of their mouth is missing. They cannot properly latch on and suck because they need the palate to press their tongue against. Also, with the deformity of the top lip, they cannot close their mouth properly either.

You may ask yourself, "Why is it so important for baby to suck? Why not just squirt milk into their mouth?" Well, sucking is a very important part of their development. A baby who doesn't suck doesn't learn to use their mouth properly. I haven't had a Dr explain it fully to me yet, but I get the impression it has to do with speech development and their ability to eat properly as they grow up.

So, someone created a nipple for them. It is called a "pigeon." This nipple is very firm on top, and very soft on the bottom. The top side of the nipple then becomes a place for baby to press against. It also has a valve inside that helps regulate flow and keep the bottle from creating a vacuum. Somehow, this combination of nipple, and valve makes it possible for our little girl to suck from a bottle like a normal baby.

The bottles are not cheap, running about $20.00 each. But there are other bottles on the market  for "normal" use that cost almost as much. Also, for some reason, the instruction manual for the ones we bought have no English. There is Vietnamese, Chinese and I think Japanese... No English, no Spanish, not even French. That's funny don't you think? 

The first month

So, this month can definitely be considered the emotional roller coaster of the year for me. I came to terms easily with the fact that 'Nessa wouldn't be able to Breast feed. I planned to pump and give her breast milk. I could have too. I got my supply going, at least amount wise. However, her first week home she still lost weight. The Dr indicated my milk may be insufficient due to my stress levels. That is not why I chose to discontinue breast milk.

I stopped pumping because of my older daughter. You see, I wanted so badly to make sure she got enough mommy time that it drove me nuts having to sit there and pump instead of play with her while Vanessa was sleeping. I would literally cry while pumping if Aileen asked me to play with her. That is not a healthy situation so I made a choice. I chose to reduce my stress levels, spend more time with my children, and stop pumping.  So pumping only takes 15-30 minutes each time, but that's every 2 hours or so. Do not judge me for not feeding breast milk. I know "breast is best." Mentally healthy mommy is better.

I also started showing symptoms of Post Partum Depression around the beginning of week three. Knowing my history, and understanding that we have a very long difficult road ahead, I chose to go back onto my Zoloft. It has been one week since I started it again, and already I have managed to get through 3 days without a random crying fit. I would call that progress since crying occurred a couple times a day with and without reason. I am also no longer resentful of my newborn anymore either. I also no longer fear that I won't have the strength to survive this.

We saw the plastic surgeon yesterday for the first time. He outlined the process and gave us more information. He says that Vanessa is a good candidate for something called a "NAM." Its like a retainer that she would wear for about 6 months before surgery. It helps the mouth grow a bit more properly and reduces the amount of work the surgeon will have to do. Our main concern with regards to that is money. The specialist who does the NAM procedure doesn't take Medi-cal/Cal Optima or CCS. Which means we have to keep my work health coverage, and the weekly premium to pay for it.  

I think I am coming to grips with this reality. Vanessa is now gaining weight, we know the basics of the road ahead, and a routine is starting to emerge in the home life. We will have our bad days, I know this. The stress of caring for Vanessa, making time for Aileen and still getting any time with each other does wear on Tom and I. But I have faith we can make it work.

Vanessa's birth story

Vanessa was born on January 11, 2012. I wanted to have a natural birth, but that didn't happen. I am o.k. with that, I tried and that was the important part. The attempt at "VBAC" was for me. I didn't have a pleasant experience with my first daughters birth, so I wanted to let my body go through the hormonal and physical changes that occur with a natural birth. My hope was to stave off Post Partum Depression this time if possible.

I won't go into major detail regarding Vanessa's birth, but here are the highlights...

I had major active labor for close to 6 hours with no progress. Meaning I didn't dilate or change in real prep for the push phase. I was 2 minutes apart with intense contractions for a very long time, which usually causes some very good progress. After deciding to get the epidural, they put the fetal monitors back on, only to discover that Vanessa's heart rate was dropping with every contraction.

She was in distress, so the choice was made to stop the contractions. Both to stabilize her and to give me a much needed rest. I knew when they gave me the Terbutaline that I was going to end up having a repeat C-Section. The team at our hospital was exceptional. Professional, genuinely concerned , calm and friendly throughout everything.

After she was born, the Pediatrician suggested she go to the NICU since she was obviously going to have trouble eating. Better to work on this problem now, than to have her loose to much weight and end up there later. We agreed and she spent about 1 week there with the staff teaching us a good angle and monitoring her progress.

Reality check, Vanessa doesn't have a simple CLCP. It is considered severe. She also has a deviated septum, and the angles of the inside of her mouth are rather steep. She is fortunate in that the CLCP is only one side, but it is about 1.5 cm wide and almost centered so it is not easy for her to eat.

A bit about Cleft Lip and Palate

Vanessa was unplanned. There, I said it. Do I regret getting pregnant? No. I will never regret this wonderful little girl. I am frustrated by all of the things we as a family will go through. But before I really start going into detail, I want to explain a little bit about Cleft lips and palates.

CLCP defects do not run in my family. It is a chromosomal abnormality that my immediate family has no history of. CLCP defect occurs in about 1 of every 600 children, even here in the USA. This is a much more common birth defect than I realized. They are still working to figure out exact causes.

Studies have indicated that Folic Acid has to do with CLCP occurrence. I was taking a multi-vitamin, so I "should" have been receiving enough Folic Acid in my diet to prevent CLCP defect. The CLCP birth defect occurs very early in Pregnancy, during the first 3-5 weeks, before most women are aware they are pregnant.  There is also a debate going right now as to weather or not anti-depressants cause CLCP birth defects.

 I am sure everyone has seen the advertisements on TV about the class action law suits. I was taking Zoloft and Abilify for Depression and Anxiety when I found out I was pregnant. The day I found out I was pregnant, I stopped taking Abilify. My Psychiatrist indicated that Zoloft would be safe for the first 2 trimesters but Abilify was not safe. I chose to discontinue Zoloft as well a few weeks later. I weaned myself off that medication over the course of three weeks, taking my last dose at approx. 10 weeks along.

With all that in mind, I asked several different specialist doctors if my anti-depressants could have caused this. The over all response has been, and I quote...

"More likely it was caused by something in the environment."

 I cannot think of a more evasive answer. Wouldn't medications in my system count as "environment?"  I am sure I will be talking more about this in later posts. Many people are telling me to speak with a lawyer, even with doctors all saying, "no, the medication may not be the cause."