The first month

So, this month can definitely be considered the emotional roller coaster of the year for me. I came to terms easily with the fact that 'Nessa wouldn't be able to Breast feed. I planned to pump and give her breast milk. I could have too. I got my supply going, at least amount wise. However, her first week home she still lost weight. The Dr indicated my milk may be insufficient due to my stress levels. That is not why I chose to discontinue breast milk.

I stopped pumping because of my older daughter. You see, I wanted so badly to make sure she got enough mommy time that it drove me nuts having to sit there and pump instead of play with her while Vanessa was sleeping. I would literally cry while pumping if Aileen asked me to play with her. That is not a healthy situation so I made a choice. I chose to reduce my stress levels, spend more time with my children, and stop pumping.  So pumping only takes 15-30 minutes each time, but that's every 2 hours or so. Do not judge me for not feeding breast milk. I know "breast is best." Mentally healthy mommy is better.

I also started showing symptoms of Post Partum Depression around the beginning of week three. Knowing my history, and understanding that we have a very long difficult road ahead, I chose to go back onto my Zoloft. It has been one week since I started it again, and already I have managed to get through 3 days without a random crying fit. I would call that progress since crying occurred a couple times a day with and without reason. I am also no longer resentful of my newborn anymore either. I also no longer fear that I won't have the strength to survive this.

We saw the plastic surgeon yesterday for the first time. He outlined the process and gave us more information. He says that Vanessa is a good candidate for something called a "NAM." Its like a retainer that she would wear for about 6 months before surgery. It helps the mouth grow a bit more properly and reduces the amount of work the surgeon will have to do. Our main concern with regards to that is money. The specialist who does the NAM procedure doesn't take Medi-cal/Cal Optima or CCS. Which means we have to keep my work health coverage, and the weekly premium to pay for it.  

I think I am coming to grips with this reality. Vanessa is now gaining weight, we know the basics of the road ahead, and a routine is starting to emerge in the home life. We will have our bad days, I know this. The stress of caring for Vanessa, making time for Aileen and still getting any time with each other does wear on Tom and I. But I have faith we can make it work.